![]() The jump approached like the shark from Jaws and I landed without busting my scrotum on the seat. There was a hell I had to visit if I was going to continue on into adulthood. It’s similar to the feeling of drifting off into sleep, that loss of control. I didn’t know what was going to happen when I crested that lip I was going to need to figure it out in the moment. Total exposure, like a raw nerve, like I was on the brink of imploding into nonexistence. I returned to the starting hill and felt something I have never felt before. Then I thought only a pussy would think about his mom at a time like this. Who was I? Who was I to become? I thought of my mom and how, if she saw this jump, if she knew what I was thinking, she would throw a conniption that would embarrass me through college graduation. It felt like a defining moment in my life. The act of stopping on a jump and riding back down is so symbolic that even someone who had Jane Eyre on his Summer reading list could understand its significance. It was the June before high school, and my social capital for the net four years was on the line. By doing so, not only did I ruin the lip, but I looked like a puss, and there were older kids watching. Previously, I had lost my nerve and stopped myself just short of going off of it. It was five feet tall, which I remember because I was five feet tall. A large bike jump loomed in the woods of Ohio suburbia. I was 13 years old when I first killed myself. When we fail to identify what is wrong with us, we oversimplify the problem to be us. The part of us that wants an immediate solution to our problem that imagines life is terrible because of our problem that imagines some thing out there is going to change some thing in us. Suicide also makes sense because that suicidal thought is right. ![]() Drinking - which is a mini suicide - is the obvious solution when your perceptible choices are either no solution or a temporary one. It’s one of the reasons working with alcoholics is difficult. One step off that bridge and, indeed, all of our problems are gone. What no psychologist wants to admit about suicide is that it makes sense. A handy guide to ending your life the right way.
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